


Something Fishy This Way Comes

by Khafushun



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Fluff and Crack, Idiots in Love, Lion Fíli, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mermaid Kíli, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Shower Sex, Some Humor, Soulmates, Were-Creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 17:36:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10746546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khafushun/pseuds/Khafushun
Summary: One day Fili fails to save a beached merman from almost certain death. Now, that merman is BACK, and he's out for revenge... but it turns out there are a few things he doesn't understand about Fili just yet.





	Something Fishy This Way Comes

**Author's Note:**

> So I actually started this back in October for the FiKi Week prompt "Cliche or Original." The idea I had was to take as many cliches/tropes as I could think of (both general cliches, and those specific to FiKi) and then make a story out of them. Some I subverted, and some I played straight. Try to see how many you can identify! I had a lot of fun with this, even if (sadly) I had to cut a lot of ideas from my list in the end :(
> 
> Also inspired (somewhat) by the "Wet and Messy" prompt I got for Kink Bingo -- but I missed that deadline too, lol.
> 
> Big thanks to Anathema-Cat for the beta read/suggestions!!! This story is much improved thanks to your input :)

 

** ><((((*ﾟ<    Something Fishy This Way Comes    >ﾟ*)))>< **

 

 

Fili had never believed in love at first sight up until it happened to him, late one evening along his walk home from work. And it had been, as these things tend to be, a total cliché: a punch in the gut, the whole world coming to a stop, and Fili – with one sudden gasp of breath – realized all at once that he had stumbled upon something that he had never known he had lost. It was all very unexpected, and it scared him.

It was also one of those moments that seemed just a little too perfect: the sun setting over the ocean, waves gently rolling onto the sand, a romantic tune floating on the breeze (no doubt courtesy of some beachfront restaurant, if Fili had given it much thought). It felt a little bit like a set-up, a prank – though it was, in actuality, the universe: trying _very hard_ to get Fili to wise up and realize _who_ _it wa_ _s_ lying right there in front of him. Because that person was his soulmate. The love of his life. His destiny.

And also, it must be said, a fish.

Well. _Half-_ fish. Merman, if you like. But undoubtedly, _not human_. Which meant this wasn’t the sort of creature one tended to imagine falling in love with – in part because merfolk weren’t supposed to exist. They were cartoon characters. Fairy tales. Fictitious.

“Hello!” the very real (and incredibly attractive) young man with the fish tail called out. He was shirtless, and wet, and Fili found himself utterly entranced by the droplet of sea water that had come to rest on one of the merman’s pink nipples. He knew he should probably say something, even just a simple _“hello!”_ in return, but his ability to speak had chosen that moment to completely disappear.

The love of Fili’s life didn’t seem to notice. In fact, without even waiting for Fili to respond, he sat up a little straighter and puffed out his chest. “Can you help me?” he asked, the happy smile on his face somewhat at odds with the question at hand. “I’ve been beached!”

All thoughts of firm, wet skin pressed up against his own were pushed aside, and Fili gasped. “Beached?! Are you injured?”

“No, I...” The merman’s mouth hung open for a moment, as if Fili’s altogether reasonable question had been the absolute last response he had expected. “Not injured per se, just… just _helpless.”_ He flopped dramatically down onto the sand and stared up at Fili through his large brown eyes. _“Help_ me,” he breathed. His tail seemed to quiver.

It was almost too good to be true.

And _that_ was what finally gave Fili pause – because good things _never_ happened to him. Sure, anonymous sex on the beach with a gorgeous stranger was a tempting prospect, but this was real life. And he was in love now. And there had to be a catch.

There was _always_ a catch.

“And how exactly,” Fili began, voice hoarse, “am I supposed to do that?”

The merman blinked. “Uh, well...” It was nearly a relief that the brunet seemed just as flustered as Fili was. He sat up and beat his tail against the wet sand for a moment, his earlier confidence rapidly dissolving. “Roll me back in?”

“Into the ocean,” Fili asked flatly.

“Uh, yeah,” the merman said. “I guess… I guess that’s what you’d do. _Shit.”_

Fili frowned; he had some doubts about rolling a fully grown man in a fish costume out to sea – once he drowned, that was probably going to be on him, and Fili frankly didn’t want to deal with the consequences (love of his life, or no). He opened his mouth to say as much, when the merman suddenly added, “I’m Kili, by the way.”

“Fili,” he said on reflex, then frowned. “Our names are kind of freakishly similar, don’t you think?”

“Not really,” Kili said cheerily, and then snapped his mouth shut. “I mean, yes. You’re so right. _Very_ big coincidence, our names. It’s almost like the same person named us, but _that_ would be silly, us being complete strangers, and two different species and all...”

“Two different _species...”_

And that was the final straw. Fili could feel his heart break; this was all too weird, too much – the universe _had_ to have it wrong, because this? Was not happening. Fili had been willing to overlook the fish tail; had even contemplated rolling this beautiful weirdo _out into the sea_ if it meant he was going to get laid – but this was where he had to draw the line. Fili was an open-minded guy, but he didn’t do role play. Not while sober.

“You know, I’m not so sure we’re compatible after all,” he found himself saying, the words surprisingly difficult to force out. Perhaps it was the universe trying to force him to stay put, or maybe it was the power of Kili’s puppy dog eyes staring up at him expectantly, excitedly – and, now, with a growing sense of alarm.

Fili really hated being the cause of that.

“Wait, Fili!” Kili flopped pathetically in the sand, one arm outstretched as Fili turned to go. “You can’t just leave me here to die! You’ve got to help me!”

But Fili ignored the merman’s plea and started running, kicking the collapsed turret of a sandcastle in Kili’s direction for good measure. The universe could go right ahead and choke on a bag of dicks. It was cruel, bringing him so close to finding his one true love, only to snatch it away at the last second.

He sincerely hoped that Kili would be able to find someone who could provide him with freaky fish sex on the beach someday. But it wouldn’t be with Fili.

 

* * *

 

_I’m such an idiot._

That had been Fili’s mantra all the next day as he went through the motions of his daily life: waking up, walking to work, messing up pretty much every drink order he got during his shift at Starbucks. He didn’t know what he’d been thinking the day before – what did he really have against fish role play, anyway? Nothing, that was what.

 _I should have gone for it. Bet it would have been amazing. Bet_ Kili _would have been amazing…_

Fili sighed morosely. That was probably the worst thing about this scenario – sure, the kinky sex would have been a nice memory, but somehow he knew, deep in his heart, that Kili had been someone special. Someone he was _meant_ to know. Someone… someone he _should_ have known. For a long time. Maybe all his life. Two halves of the same whole. _Soulmates._

 _Don’t be ridiculous. Soulmates aren’t real._ Fili kicked at a stray seashell as he made his way down to the pier. _Still blew it, though._

At least it was quiet this time of day: the pier normally served as a loading area, but most of the boats had already left, which suited Fili just fine. He was in a foul mood, and the fewer people he had to deal with, the better. A pity that he worked in the service industry, really.

He set his brown paper bag lunch to the side and took off his shoes, letting his feet dangle in the warm water as he stared out toward the horizon. Life sucked. People sucked. _Everything_ sucked. But at least he had this: a brief reprieve, a moment alone; _solitude._

It was for this reason that he wasn’t exactly expecting any company. He took a bite of his sandwich, and then nearly choked on it as a dark head emerged from the water right between his knees.

Kili glared and spat a mouthful of saltwater into his face. “I survived, asshole.”

Fili gasped, pulling his feet up from the water as fast as he possibly could. “How did you find me?!”

Kili averted his gaze, his cheeks slightly pink. “Doesn’t matter, the _point_ is--”

“No, seriously,” Fili cut in, “how did you _get_ here? No one swims this far out from the guarded area...”

Kili couldn’t stop a derisive laugh from escaping. “Oh, that’s cute, you think your human laws apply to me? I can swim anywhere I _want!_ It’s a free ocean.”

“And why,” Fili asked very carefully, “did you want to swim here today?”

Kili placed his hands on the dock and hoisted himself up. “For _revenge!”_

The vehemence in Kili’s voice nearly made Fili start running, but something about the way he was struggling to pull himself out of the water made him stop. Kili’s tail was apparently proving a bit cumbersome – it didn’t seem to bend in the way that human legs did – and Fili watched with clear amusement as the merman cursed and tried to drag himself out over the wooden planks. _Well, bless his heart._

“Stop that, you’re going to get splinters,” he finally called out.

Kili glared up at him. “Then give me a hand!”

“So you can kill me?”

Whatever retort had been on the tip of Kili’s tongue seemed to fizzle out and die, and Kili turned his head. “I don’t want to kill you,” he finally muttered, glancing down. “I just want to talk.”

Fili stared at the merman for a few moments. He had a feeling he was going to regret ever getting involved with… well, _whatever_ was going on here. A part of him still thought Kili was crazy, but the rest of him… Well, if the fish tail _was_ a costume, then it was a damn good one, considering Kili had managed to swim all this way in it. And he’d done a hell of a job making it look realistic, too – Kili’s tail was now floating just at the water’s surface, bobbing up and down with the current, which allowed Fili to get a better look at it.

It was, in a word, stunning. Fili swallowed awkwardly as he observed the defined muscles of Kili’s shoulders and back, how his skin seemed to transform almost seamlessly to blue scales the further down he looked. It was a very pretty tail. Shapely, even. And yet, Fili couldn’t help but feel a stab of regret that it was a _fish_ tail he was admiring and not something, well, fleshier.

“You can touch it.” Kili’s eyes were still closed, but he was smiling knowingly.

Fili jerked his head back. “Huh?”

“My tail.” Kili’s eyes cracked open. “You can touch it. If you want to.”

Fili gave Kili a wary look. “I’m not getting in the water just to...”

“Then pull me out!”

Fili hesitated, but even his self-restraint had limits. He stood and held out his hands, shivering a bit when Kili’s wet palms came into contact with his own. With a grunt, he pulled Kili in, reaching out to grasp his waist for better leverage. His arms were trembling from the strain, but before he knew it, their lips were within kissing distance, and all either one of them would have to do was lean in…

“You’re heavy,” Fili finally whispered.

“I’ve got a big tail,” Kili proudly replied.

Fili nodded, then took a step back and dropped Kili onto the dock. “There you go. You’re out.”

Kili huffed out a slightly disgruntled sounding, _“Thanks,”_ and flopped around on the wooden boards before awkwardly crawling into Fili’s lap. He looked up and gave Fili a very pointed look. “There. No excuse now.”

“No excuse for what?”

“My _tail.”_ Kili seemed a bit grumpy that he had to remind him. _“Pet. It.”_

“Holy shit,” Fili breathed, wide-eyed. “You’re really a mermaid, aren’t you? I thought...” Then Fili burst out laughing. “Never mind what I thought.” And then, with only the slightest bit of hesitation, Fili reached his hand out and gave Kili’s tail a good stroke.

Fili wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but he was surprised by how smooth the merman’s scales felt as his hand moved lower. It was a nice feeling, even a bit relaxing – and a part of Fili was tempted to move his hand farther north, maybe see if the rest of Kili felt as nice – but _that_ might have been going a bit too far. He wasn’t going to make the same assumption about Kili’s intentions twice – if only to spare himself the embarrassment of acknowledging just how wrong he’d had it. It was almost like he was a sex-obsessed teenager again, and at Fili’s age, that was just a bit sad.

Even so, Kili seemed to be enjoying the attention quite a lot, humming with contentment as Fili moved his hand back and forth. “Do all mermaids, erm, like having their tails petted like this?” Fili wondered, as he started to move his hand a little faster.

“Don’t know,” Kili sighed out. “We’re not supposed to talk to humans. And I’m a mer _man,_ by the way.”

“Oh, right. Of course.”

“’S’all right.” Kili groaned as one of Fili’s hands passed over a particularly sensitive spot, and Fili’s movements stilled for a moment as he willed himself not to think about how he could get Kili to make some of those sounds again.

“Shit, you’re really good at this...” Kili cracked open an eyelid then, a suspicious look on his face. “Just don’t let me dry out, got it? This is your chance to redeem yourself – leave me out to die again, and there _will_ be retribution.”

Fili’s grip on Kili’s tail tightened – an innocent enough reaction to the vehemence in Kili’s voice (and eyes) – and Kili gasped. “Oh, do that again,” he moaned, all thoughts of vengeance apparently forgotten. _“_ _R_ _ight_ there–”

Fili paused, making a mental note that rough petting was definitely a “yes” for Kili. “This _is_ just a tail massage, right?”

Kili blinked up at him. “Of course; what else would it be?”

“...Never mind.” Fili’s hand resumed its previous motion, an odd sense of disappointment lingering in his chest.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Fili returned to the pier over his lunch break, but this time he came bearing gifts.

“I brought you something,” Fili said proudly, holding out a familiar white cardboard cup. “Here. Coffee. Most humans like it a lot.”

Kili gave him a distinctly unimpressed look. He then took the cup from Fili’s hand, drained it, and spat, _“Jesus,_ would it have killed you to put some cream or sugar in this? What kind of barista are you?” He crumpled the cup and placed it in Fili’s still outstretched hand. “Next time bring me a Cotton Candy Frappucino, I like those.”

“How the hell do you...” Fili shut his jaw with an audible click. “I don’t even know why I’m surprised at this point. You’ve been to Starbucks before?”

 _"Please,_ there's a Starbucks on every goddamn corner of this planet – did you really think we wouldn’t have a few down on the seafloor, too?” Kili grabbed the cup again and unfolded it, pointing at the green logo in the center. “Just look at her, she’s one of my own!”

“All right, all right.” Fili laughed and took the cup back, tucking it in his bag so he could throw it away later. “Jeez, see if I try to do something nice for you again. I hope you don’t treat _all_ of your baristas this way.”

Kili folded his arms. “Just the ones who abandon me and leave me out on the beach to _die.”_

“Oh? And all of that tail petting yesterday wasn’t enough to make amends?” Fili tilted his head to the side and gave Kili a careful look; the merman was using his folded arms as an anchor on the edge of the dock again, staring up at him with bright eyes that couldn’t quite disguise his amusement. “So tell me: what exactly are you doing here? If you’re not curious about the human world...”

“I told you, I’m here for–”

Fili cut him off with a distinctly unimpressed look. “No, really.”

Kili’s cheeks colored, and suddenly he seemed to find the water he was floating in very interesting. “Doesn’t matter,” he muttered. “I just...”

“Hm?” Emboldened by the suspicion that Kili wasn’t interested in humans so much as he was interested in one very _specific_ human after all, Fili reached forward and brushed his fingers down Kili’s cheek, coming to a rest underneath his chin. He tilted the merman’s head back, forcing his gaze upward. “You have nice eyes,” he said automatically, ignoring the fact that, as far as pickup lines went, that one was pretty lame.

Kili didn’t seem to mind. He looked up at Fili through dark eyelashes, his cheeks ever so slightly pink. “I do?”

“Yeah.” Fili grinned, now in full-on flirt mode. “Nice everything, really. Well, the fish tail is going to take some getting used to, but even that’s kind of...” He cut himself off, somewhat mentally unprepared to embrace his nascent fish fetish just yet. “Well, I’m just glad you don’t have webbed fingers or anything.”

“Really?” Kili smiled up at him shyly. “Everyone makes fun of me for that.”

Fili blinked. “They do?”

“I get made fun of a lot, actually,” Kili admitted, looking down. “Mermen are usually a lot smoother than me. Less body hair,” he clarified. “I’m not exactly considered a ‘catch’.”

 _That’s horrible,_ Fili thought. Even though he and Kili hadn’t exactly gotten off on the best foot (or fin), it was still clear that Kili didn’t deserve that kind of treatment; no one did. But to Fili’s eyes, he just couldn’t see what there was to make fun of – Kili was handsome as hell, and even his personality, while slightly odd, wasn’t too bad (once you got past the coffee shaming, at least).

He reached out to Kili again with what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. “Look, maybe you’re not a ‘catch’ back home, but up here? You’d be considered pretty hot.” He winked. “To be honest, you’re exactly my type – even if you don’t drink real coffee and you have a fish tail.”

Kili laughed. “Well, thanks. Maybe that’s why I’m interested in the human world then!”

“Because you’re conventionally attractive up here?” Fili threaded his fingers through Kili’s dark hair and brought his face in close. “And here I was thinking,” he whispered against his lips, “that there was just _one_ specific human you were interested in...”

Kili swallowed, a heated look in his eyes. “Maybe you’re right.” And then he was out of the water and lunging forward, cupping Fili’s face in his hands and bringing their lips together, Fili’s somewhat dry and windburned, and Kili’s tasting of saltwater and black coffee.

Fili had the lingering sense that this should have felt wrong, but it didn’t – just the faintest touch from Kili’s lips sent sparks racing down his spine, and he couldn’t help but pull Kili closer, as if he couldn’t bear to let him go again. Kili’s chest was just as hard – and wet – against his as he’d imagined, and soon enough Fili’s shirt was soaked through. He didn’t care. He’d just tell his manager that he’d gotten caught in an unexpected sunshower, or that he’d tripped and fallen into an unseen puddle.

In some ways, neither of those things seemed so very far from the truth.

“Was that all right?” he asked some time later, Kili’s hands still on his face and their noses touching. He trailed his own hands down from Kili’s waist, touching the slick scales of his tail once again. Scales that were now much drier than they had been before. “Don’t you need to go back in?”

“I’m fine like this.” Kili’s voice was husky, and he pulled back so he could look at Fili again. His eyes held a trace of guilt, which confused Fili a little, but he was sure they could work through that with time.

“Yeah, that was nice,” Kili continued. “Didn’t know a tiny human like you had it in him.”

“Tiny?!” Fili spent hours at the gym every week, and he was frankly offended that his efforts had apparently gone unnoticed.

Kili just looked at him with surprise. “What? My tail is way longer than your legs are. What would _you_ call yourself?”

“Uh...” Fili was a bit stumped. “Well, not _tiny._ Maybe bipedal.”

“But that still doesn’t--”

“Shh.” Fili leaned in towards Kili again, pressing their lips together. “Less talking, maybe?”

Kili just moaned and opened up his mouth, evidently in complete agreement.

 

* * *

 

There was no need to take things slowly after that – or at least there wouldn’t have been, had this been a conventional relationship. If Kili had been human, well, Fili could have just invited him up to his apartment for the night – but he didn’t have a pool, or even a bathtub – and even if he had, he had no way of getting Kili there. Sure, he could bench press whatever Kili weighed any day of the week... but carrying him several miles, and then up a few flights of stairs?

It just wasn’t happening.

So, they started with a blowjob out on their usual pier, well after dark and after closing hours. The part of Fili’s brain that wasn’t currently preoccupied by a certain tongue and pair of lips just had to hope that no one walked in their general direction – although the threat of being discovered _did_ turn him on a little. (Apparently Fili had an exhibitionist kink. Who knew.)

Or maybe there was another reason. Fact was, Fili had been dying for this for days, ever since he’d first laid eyes on Kili, and there was probably nothing that would have turned him off from this – not even Kili’s cute little shark teeth, which were now alarmingly close to a _very_ sensitive area. But Kili thankfully seemed to know what he was doing, even if he seemed unpracticed – Fili sucked in a breath as Kili began to move, his wet little mouth providing such delicious suction to the head of his cock – and suddenly those shark teeth were the furthest things from Fili’s mind.

“Fuck, _Kili...”_ he groaned out, his hand reaching forward to tangle in Kili’s hair, guiding his movements a bit faster. _“So_ good...”

Kili hummed, a low yet inexplicably cute noise that indicated he was pleased – and fuck if _that_ didn’t feel great, too. Fili opened his eyes, wanting to watch Kili’s gorgeous face as he worked his cock – but it was Kili’s tail that captured his attention, sinuous and weirdly sultry in the dark water, his shimmering scales practically silver in the moonlight. It was like accidentally stumbling upon one of those weird diamond commercials when he'd been expecting to watch porn – but dammit, it was still working for Fili. He gasped, eyes rolling back, and stifled a yell as he came hard in Kili’s mouth.

It looked like he was about to add “fish tail kink” to his rapidly expanding list. Just great.

Next thing Fili knew, he was lying on his back – swim trunks still dangling from a wooden post, and Kili curled up beside him. He took a deep breath and rolled onto his side. “Lemme do you,” he said. Quite frankly, Fili wasn’t entirely sure how this was supposed to work, seeing as Kili didn’t exactly have a dick (that he could see, at least)... but he would be brave. He could _do_ this. It was the decent thing to do, after all.

Kili just reached forward and pressed a kiss against Fili’s mouth. “Later,” he rumbled, hands trailing down Fili’s sides and coming to a rest near his hipbone. “Tomorrow. Need to go back in soon.”

“Yeah, tomorrow...” Reluctantly, Fili sat up, a bit sad that they had to part ways so soon. Then his post-orgasmic brain caught up with the conversation they were having, and he did a quick run-through of his mental calendar for the week. “Actually, tomorrow’s no good for me.”

Kili frowned. “But tomorrow’s the full moon.”

“And?” Fili was getting a bit nervous now; they were treading very close to a topic that he didn’t particularly want to discuss.

Kili raised his eyebrows suggestively. “And I think we should spend it together.”

Distantly, Fili was aware of something important that he wasn’t picking up on, but Kili’s comment about the full moon had put him on edge. “Sorry, busy tomorrow – you know how it is. Plans.” He waved his hand up toward the sky, as if social engagements rained down on him with some sort of regularity. “How about the day after tomorrow, though? Totally free then.”

“Fili--”

“Great! Day after tomorrow it is, then.” He leaned forward and kissed Kili’s cheek. “Do you need any help getting back in the water?”

“I think I can manage,” Kili bit out, his expression stony. He then pushed himself off the pier and dove into the ocean with a flourish of his tail that, Fili had to admit, was really rather impressive.

Fili stared at the frothy ripples that Kili left in his wake, a bewildered and vaguely guilty feeling gnawing at his conscience. "I suppose that could have gone better.”

 

* * *

 

The light of the moon was clear and bright, and Kili rose to the water’s surface with an enraged growl. “Already has plans!” he roared, swimming up to the shallows and emerging from the water on two legs. He began walking in the general direction of where he thought Fili probably lived. “How does he already have plans?! Is the full moon not as important for humans as it is for merfolk?”

Kili yelled again and sat down in the sand to have a quick pout. It was distraction enough to calm him down – he made a quick mental note to acquire some pants just as soon as he could – and then he stood up again, making an attempt to shake off the sand that was now clinging to all his new parts.

As usual, he hadn’t thought this plan through very well.

Kili cringed a little as he thought back to his first meeting with Fili on the beach. He was lucky it had more or less worked out (in the end), though he still wasn’t entirely sure what he had hoped to achieve that day. A conversation? Friendship? Had he just wanted to see Fili with his own two eyes?

Oh, he was sure his Uncle Thorin was _still_ regretting that he had let Fili’s current whereabouts slip.

Because Kili – just like Kili _always_ did – had swam off in the general direction of Fili’s home, without a plan in place or anything concrete in mind, aside from one single, continuous thought: _I have to see him!_

He had gotten lucky when Fili had stumbled upon him that first day, even if their first encounter hadn’t gone exactly as he’d hoped. (He swept aside his lingering feelings of guilt with the following rant: _“What kind of person leaves a helpless sea creature out on the beach to_ die? _Fili’_ _s a_ **monster** _– I thought for_ sure _he’d_ _have_ _to spend some time with me after that!”)_ While Kili was aware that they might have never met if Fili hadn’t taken the beach route home that day, he was now at a loss; oh, he still had a _vague_ idea where Fili lived, but vague ideas weren’t going to help him much.

He supposed he’d been hoping Fili would have been waiting for him on the beach as a surprise.

With a heartbroken sigh, Kili turned around – he supposed he could always find a secluded spot to spend the full moon by himself again, like a loser, while everyone else was out fucking like dolphins. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to it at this point. Besides, maybe it was better this way: he and Fili _really_ needed to have a little chat before things moved any further than they already had, and the frenzy of a full moon was probably not the ideal time to do it. Kili knew this, but he also knew that full moons only came around once a month – and he was horny.

He gave the deserted beach one last, mournful look, and then he froze.

There was a real, honest-to-god _lion_ on the beach – and it was walking straight toward him.

Now, Kili knew what a lion was: he’d had an animal picture book when he had been young and the lion page had always been his very favorite. He’d looked at it every day – up until that book had completely disintegrated in his hands, anyway. (Human books never lasted very long under the sea.) But that had been years ago, and now Kili was frantically trying to recall what he should do if he ever encountered a lion. Somehow he’d never really thought of it as important information to know – oh, sure, sometimes he had to fend off sharks or irate squid, but never _lions._

As Kili was trying to decide between playing dead or running for his life out to sea, the lion closed the distance between them. Kili shut his eyes tight and stood very still. “I’m dead,” he whispered, very quietly, for good measure. The lion ignored him and proceeded to lick his hand.

After a few minutes, Kili had to admit that he probably was not about to be eaten. He cracked his eyes open and looked down at the lion, who was now butting at Kili’s hipbone with his head. “If you don’t want to eat me,” Kili wondered, “then what _do_ you want?”

He crouched down so he could get a better look at the creature. He seemed a bit small for an adult lion, roughly the same size as Kili himself if he had been on all fours – but then again, Kili only had the memory of a waterlogged book to go by; perhaps they were all this tiny.

Tentatively, he brushed his fingers through the lion’s mane, which appeared to be a good decision: the lion’s eyes drifted shut and a low rumbling emitted from his chest – a bit too loud to be a purr, but close. “You like that, do you?” Kili felt himself smile; he’d always been a bit jealous of the pets that land dwellers had, and he’d often thought he’d like a pet dog or cat (with no disrespect intended toward Miss Coral, of course – she was a very good lobster, and Kili loved her very much).

Eventually, Kili and the lion began walking down the coast together, drawing incredulous stares from the few passersby they encountered – Kili supposed it wasn’t every day that one saw a naked man walking a lion on the beach. Somehow, he wasn’t surprised when the lion led him to a very familiar pier.

“How did you know to bring me here, huh?” Kili asked, scratching the lion in between his ears. “Are all lions as smart as you?”

The lion made that not-purring sound again. Kili sighed.

“You _are_ a smart boy! God, I wish _Fili_ was as smart as you.”

The purring stopped rather abruptly.

Kili took no notice of this, and leaned against the beast’s side, sighing loudly. “Lion, I don’t know what to do. I never meant for things to go this far. I just wanted to _meet_ Fili, I never thought I’d fall in _love_ with him.” He sighed wistfully. “But I suppose no one ever expects to fall in love with their own brother, do they?”

The lion made a very undignified yelping sound.

“Oh, am I hurting you? I’m sorry.” Kili adjusted his position against the lion, then went back to his monologuing. “Ugh, this whole thing’s a mess. I never meant to jump on him before I told him, I swear. I wasn’t thinking – and I know, Uncle Thorin would probably say I’m _never_ thinking, but that’s not true… I just...” Kili trailed off and sniffled wetly. “I like Fili so much! And I think he actually likes me too! But if I tell him who I _really_ am, he’s not going to...” Kili’s lower lip trembled. “He’s not going to want me anymore!”

The lion lowered his head and nudged Kili’s shoulder with his nose. “Thank you, Lion. You’re a good friend.” It was only then that Kili got a good look at the lion’s face. There was something eerily familiar about the way he looked – but that was silly. Kili had never seen a lion in person before.

Had he?

“Are lions supposed to have blue eyes?” he wondered out loud. He squinted. Perhaps it was a trick of the moonlight, but he was certain… _quite_ certain that…

“Well fuck me sideways with a dry sea cucumber,” Kili grumbled. _“Fili?!”_

The lion seemed to preen a bit.

“How. The Fuck. Are You. _A Lion?!”_

It took a bit of effort, but after devising a quick code – roar once for yes, and twice for no – Kili got the full story. His brother, it seemed, was a Were-Lion – one night a month, under the light of a full moon, he transformed into, essentially, an over-sized house cat.

The reasons why weren’t entirely clear.

“But are you sure that it’s _every_ month,” Kili wanted to know. “Do you ever, like, skip a cycle?”

Fili roared, and then he roared again.

“This is so unfair!” Kili shouted. “Why is it that the only night I can become a human – _the only night that I have functioning genitalia_ – is the same night that you have to turn into a giant cat?!” His bottom lip began to quiver. “I don’t think I _want_ to have sex with a lion!” he wailed, and buried his face in Fili’s mane.

Fili let out a low rumbling noise that was evidently meant to be sympathetic, and raised a paw to give his brother a comforting pat on the back. He could certainly understand that point of view.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Fili opened his eyes and groaned. It was morning, and that meant he was human again.

Why the fuck was he on the beach?!

Gradually, bits and pieces from the night before began to come back to him. He remembered finding Kili on the beach – naked! with human legs! – and he remembered being petted a lot and scritched behind the ears, just the way he liked. All in all, it had been a good evening.

And then he remembered the other thing.

Almost as if he knew he would be there, Fili looked out into the sea, and there was Kili – his brilliant blue tail was back, angrily slapping into the wet sand as he glared up at Fili. “When the hell were you planning to tell me you were a were-lion?”

“I dunno, maybe whenever _you_ were planning to tell _me_ that you were actually _my brother!”_ Fili resisted the urge to start massaging his head, not wanting Kili to know how much pain he was actually in. The morning after a full moon was always a rough experience, but this one was shaping up to be even worse than usual. “Just curious, were you thinking before or _after_ we went all the way was the way to go on that one?”

Kili’s went an unflattering shade of chalky white. “You-- you said you would try anything at least once!”

“Oh, so sibling incest is a kink now?!” Somewhere in the distance, Fili thought he could hear hordes of fangirls screaming _YES!,_ but he ignored this.

Instead, he walked over to where Kili was reclining near the waterline, head hanging down, his face obscured by his long dark hair. “Don’t look so sad,” he murmured as he knelt down next to Kili. “I’m not that angry, just… confused. None of this makes any sense. How could you possibly be my _brother?_ _”_

The tension in Kili’s shoulders immediately relaxed, and he took a deep breath. “I know, just. Let me explain.”

And so he did.

It turned out that Fili and Kili were twins: half-human, half-merman, born to the Princess Dis, the loveliest of all mermaids (and that meant the greenest and the scaliest). She had fallen in love with a lowly human fisherman who had been shipwrecked on a remote island, even though relationships between mermen and humans had been forbidden by the Great Mer-King Thror.

“Hold up, the Great Mer-King Thror?” Fili asked incredulously. “That is the _dumbest_ sounding--”

“Just go with it,” Kili sighed. “The author’s working on a deadline and came up with this all on the fly, all right? I don’t think he even cares if this sounds good anymore.”

“Fair enough,” Fili agreed. “Anyway, continue.”

“Right. So our parents fell in love, even though it was forbidden, and then finally, under the light of the full moon… they, uh, made us. Merfolk can only have sex once a month when we transform, you see.”

“Ah, so that’s why you wouldn’t let me touch your junk the other day.” Fili was entirely way too amused. “You didn’t _have_ any.”

Kili frowned and gestured to his tail. “Why is that so surprising? _There’s nothing here!_ Where did you _think_ my junk was?!”

Fili’s cheeks turned an interesting shade of pink; he’d done a few Google searches soon after he’d met Kili, and he’d come up with a few theories. Apparently it had all been for nothing – but at _least_ he could say he knew a lot about dolphin mating cycles now.

Desperate to change the subject, Fili coughed and asked, “So why am I a human when you’re a merman?”

Kili shrugged. “Dunno. This kind of thing is fairly unprecedented after all. I guess I just took after our mom.”

“And the reason I turn into a lion every month is probably related to the merman moon cycle?”

“Sure,” Kili said. “We’ll go with that.”

They were quiet for a while then, as Fili digested all the information he’d just learned. He’d been raised by his uncle Frerin and had never known his own parents, so he supposed he had no reason to think it wasn’t true. “So, where do we go from here?” he eventually asked. “I’m sorry if you think I pushed you into anything. Before I knew, I mean.”

“No, I wanted to,” Kili insisted, looking straight into Fili’s eyes. “I understand if you don’t want to be together anymore, though.”

Fili just shook his head, then reached out to grasp one of Kili’s hands in his own. “Kili," he started, "this was a weird-ass relationship _way_ before I knew you were my brother.” Then he smiled and squeezed Kili’s hand. “This just makes it a little bit weirder. I’m okay with it if you are.”

Kili said nothing, instead reaching forward with his free hand and cupping Fili’s jaw, leaning in. Just before their lips could touch, they were interrupted by a tap on Fili’s shoulder.

“Uh, excuse me...” Fili and Kili both looked up at the police officer, who was staring straight at Fili. “This is a public beach, and I couldn’t help but notice that you’re not wearing any clothes. I’m going to need you to come with me.”

Fili scrambled to his feet. “Officer, I can explain. You see, I have this condition…” Fili’s mind scrambled to find a believable explanation, but came up short. “...which means I can’t have any clothes on. Ever. At this particular point in time.”

The officer let out a long-suffering sigh. “Right. Just come with me, son. We’ll get you sorted.”

 

* * *

 

Several hours later Fili was released from jail, wearing the striped prison attire that the county jail (for some reason) happened to have on hand, along with a hideous pair of orange crocs. Fili had never felt so undignified; the prison uniform he could live with, but the crocs went into the first dumpster he came across – he may have been a criminal now, but he still had standards.

He knew he’d have to make an appearance in court soon to appeal his public indecency charges, but that was the least of his worries for now. (Little did he know that his story had already made international headlines: “Naked Florida Man Caught on Beach with Mermaid.”) No, his only concern now was finding Kili.

Predictably, he found him by the pier, swimming around in frantic circles. “What happened?” he shouted once he saw Fili approach. “I thought...”

“Don’t worry about that for now.” Fili held out his hand. “Look, I brought you something.”

“A Cotton Candy Frappucino!” Kili took the plastic cup and sighed happily. “Thank you, Fili.”

“Don’t mention it. They let me have one last drink before they fired me, so I figured I’d make it a good one.”

Kili looked back up again. “Fired?”

Fili waved him off. “It’s cool, I was thinking about quitting anyway.” Silence. “No, really. Starbucks is kind of beneath me, don’t you think? I was actually thinking about going to that deserted island you were talking about. Work on my art a bit. Start a life together. I don’t know.”

“If you want to live off of coconuts and fish for the rest of your life.” Kili set his drink down. “No, I have a better idea.”

Fili raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I learned something interesting today.” With a bit of assistance, Kili hopped out of the water and sat next to his brother – a bit awkwardly, given the constraints of his tail – but Fili had to assume Kili had a reason for it. “I told Mom I met you, and that you were in trouble and I didn’t know how I could help you given our… differences. Anyway, turns out there are some advantages to being half-mer.”

“Such as?”

Kili frowned and shook his tail a bit. “Hm, that’s weird. Maybe it takes a while for it to dry out.”

“But I thought that was a bad thing--”

“For full-blooded mermen. Not us.” Kili was practically vibrating as he spoke. “Apparently, all I need to do is let my trail dry out, and then I’ll be human for as long as I want! It should work in reverse for you too,” Kili added, “if you swim out in the ocean--”

“No way,” Fili cut in. “I don’t do water if I can help it.” At Kili’s questioning look, he added: “It’s, um, a cat thing.”

“I see,” Kili said slowly. “Anyway, I’m just saying, if you _wanted_ to, you could grow a tail and visit Mom and Uncle Thorin sometime.”

“And the Great Mer-King Thror?” Fili tried to keep a straight face as he asked it.

“Better if you avoid him.”

“Gotcha.”

In the end it took about an hour, but Kili’s tail did dry out, and as it did, he began to shed scales all over the pier. They were lovely, bright blue discs that shone dozens of different colors when held up to the light, and Fili hastily began stuffing them in his pockets. (“There could be money in this!” he insisted. “I’m unemployed and I need the cash, and it’s not like _you’re_ going to need them anymore.”). He then popped off into a nearby shop to buy Kili a pair of swim trunks – he most certainly didn’t need another arrest for indecent exposure on his conscience. Not on the same day.

“I guess now is when I invite you over to my place,” Fili said afterwards, trying for casual.

Kili stuck his hands in his pockets as they started walking down the beach, trying for the same. “I suppose so.”

“Hope leftover pizza is all right.”

Kili nodded his head enthusiastically. “My favorite is sea kelp and salmon eggs!”

Fili barely stopped himself from visibly gagging. “…...I guess we’ll just order something else.”

 

* * *

 

Fili wasn’t entirely sure how or why, but the next day he learned that the charges against him had been dismissed. He had also been transferred an extraordinarily large sum of money into his bank account, which he found even more peculiar. He looked toward his brother, who was still lounging in (what was now) their bed.

“Do you know anything about this?”

Kili smiled up at him. “Maaaaybe.”

“ _Kili.”_

“Let’s just say,” his brother said smugly, “that I bet you won’t be laughing at the Great Mer-King Thror any more.”

Fili frowned and took a seat next to Kili on the bed. “I thought you said he was bad news?”

“But we’re still princes,” Kili pointed out, “and that comes with certain advantages.”

“Oh. Sweet.” Fili hadn’t thought about it that way before. A tiny voice in the back of his mind was bitterly muttering that it would have been nice to know he had a royal title before he had gone to art school and taken out all those student loans… but he could think about that later.

The handsome brunet in his bed was a much more appealing thought, after all.

He smiled and leaned down to press a light kiss to Kili’s lips. “I have a feeling that things are about to look up for us. Money _does_ make the world go round, after all.”

Kili hummed thoughtfully as Fili pulled away. “Does it?” He smiled lasciviously. “Because I bet I can think of one other thing.” He rolled over onto his stomach and kicked off the sheet that was covering him, exposing his newly-minted ass to the room for Fili’s consideration. “Interested?”

Like Kili even needed to ask.

Fili smiled, sprawling out beside his brother in bed. “I was thinking about taking a shower...” he teased, running one of his hands through Kili’s hair.

Kili looked thoroughly unimpressed. “Can’t that wait?”

“What? We can do both at the same time.” Fili bit back a laugh at his brother’s expression. Truth be told, he actually had a reason for wanting to get his brother into the shower, but to actually say the words out loud… well, it seemed a bit cheesy. So instead he said, “C’mon, it’s a great idea! You know, clean ourselves off just as things start getting messy.” He leaned forward and kissed the side of Kili’s neck. “It’s more efficient...”

“Mm, sexy,” Kili snarked. _“Efficiency.”_

“Hey, don’t judge me for my kinks. Anyway, shower sex: yes or no?”

“Is there even going to be room for both of us in there?”

Fili frowned; he _did_ have a pretty small shower. “I think we can make it work.”

 

* * *

 

Five minutes later, Fili had to admit that they could not, in fact, make it work.

He pulled off Kili’s cock with a choked-sounding gasp, trying to clear his nasal passageway of the water he had accidentally inhaled.

“What’s wrong?” Kili cried, bending over. “Did I do something?”

“Water in my nose,” Fili moaned, his coughs finally subsiding; the back of his throat felt like it was burning. “Try not to move your head so much, all right?” he said weakly. “I need you to block the shower spray so I don’t _drown_ in my own _shower...”_

Kili’s mouth fell open. “You want to keep going?!”

“Have you gotten off yet?” Fili asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That doesn’t matter--”

“It matters to me!” Fili stood up abruptly then, in part to get his breathing back under control, but in doing so he managed to knock over the bar of soap that had been resting on the ledge. “Fucking hell.”

Kili started cackling. “You dropped the soap!”

Fili rolled his eyes. “You gonna do something about it if I pick it up?”

“Maybe _I_ want to pick it up,” Kili said, leering.

“Well, be my guest. But I’m thinking you were right about shower sex; this was a _terrible_ idea.” As if to emphasize his point, the water chose that minute to turn cold, making Fili scramble around his brother to find the faucet. “See? Ugh, _I hate water!”_

“Reminder that this was _your_ idea,” Kili said smugly, and reached over for Fili’s hand. “Back to bed?”

Fili winced at the thought of getting all his sheets damp, but eventually nodded his head. His brilliant idea to get Kili back into the water had been something of an epic failure – while he didn’t know for _sure_ that Kili missed the ocean yet, it had been nearly 24-hours since he had last been submerged, and Fili thought a more watery environment might have been to his liking. Though his little brother had seemed curiously ambivalent to the idea.

_Wait._

“Two questions,” Fili said as grabbed a couple of warm towels for them to dry off with. “First: who’s older, you or me?”

Kili puffed out his chest. “I am. By two minutes!”

“Aw, lame.” Fili rolled up one of the towels and threw it over at Kili. “I always wanted a younger brother...”

“Uncle Thorin says I’m pretty immature,” Kili muttered from underneath the towel that was now covering his head. His head emerged from the sea of terrycloth that had previously enshrouded it, and he added, “We can pretend you’re older if you want.”

“I’m 24 years old!” Fili laughed. “What am I going to do with a younger brother _now?”_

“Well, what were you going to do with one when you were a kid?”

“I don’t know. It would have been nice to have someone to play with. Could have taught him stuff. Looked out for him. Shit like that.” Fili threw his own towel on a chair and flopped into his bed, Kili soon following.

“We can do that now,” he suggested, wrapping his arms around Fili’s torso and kissing his shoulder. “You’ve been doing a good job teaching me things so far…”

Fili snorted. “Pretty sure there are laws against that.”

“You didn’t care about that yesterday,” Kili retorted, sounding amused; but even so he backed away, the onslaught of kisses to Fili’s collarbone coming to an abrupt stop.

Fili smiled and pulled Kili closer, giving him a long, slow kiss; at first just a press of their lips, but soon growing heated, their tongues mapping the other’s mouth and playing off one another. “That’s true,” he whispered. “You’ve been a pretty bad influence on your younger brother...”

“Shut up,” Kili whispered back. _“You’re_ the bad influence; you came on to _me_ first _.”_

“Did I?” Fili shot back. “Then what was all that on the beach the first day we met? ‘Oh, I’m so _helpless._ Fili, _help me...’”_

“I didn’t sound like that!”

“Yes, you did! You seduced _me,_ whether you knew you were doing it or not!” Fili laughed and swung a leg around Kili’s hip. “Now: second question.”

_“Seriously?"_

“Yep.” Fili grinned down at Kili, his demeanor at first teasing, but soon gentling to a more affectionate expression. “Tell me if you ever want to go back?” he asked, tracing his thumb along his brother’s cheekbone.

Kili smiled, bringing his own hand up to cover Fili’s. “I’m not homesick yet.”

“But if you ever--”

Kili cut him off with a kiss. “I’ll tell you. Now, can we _please_ fuck?”

Fili couldn’t help but laugh, and he rolled them over so he could crawl between Kili’s legs. “At your service!”

And that was how they spent the rest of the day – Kili, eagerly making up for all the full moons he had spent with only his right hand for company, and Fili, just glad to be along for the ride. In the end they did end up eating Fili’s leftover pizza – even if they technically had the funds for something a little nicer now. (Kili grudgingly had to admit that pepperoni was an acceptable substitute for fish eggs.)

All in all, Fili felt, for the first time in quite a while, content – and that had nothing to do with the fact that Kili had just ridden his cock like there was no tomorrow (...well, _almost_ nothing). It was good that things had ended up this way, he decided – and that included their terrible first meeting, his epic freak out on the beach. Oh, sure – perhaps everything would have turned out exactly the same if he had stayed to “help” Kili that first day, or if he hadn't gotten arrested – but he couldn’t be certain. And for that reason, Fili wouldn’t change a thing about the past few days. Not one.

The universe had been right all along. Even if they had meandered a bit on their way to finally finding one another.

Fili wrapped his arms around his brother and squeezed him tightly. “I can’t wait to learn everything there is to know about you,” he whispered.

Kili just laughed. “Awww. Pretty sure you know all my secrets now!”

“The big ones.” Fili propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at Kili, observing the dots of sweat on Kili’s forehead, the post-coital flush of his skin. “But not the little things. The things I should already know.” He swallowed. “Things I should have gotten to learn about you while we were growing up.”

“Oh.” Kili stared at Fili then, his eyes swirling pools of emotion that Fili still couldn’t quite decipher – not yet. Then he reached forward and grabbed one of Fili’s hands, entwining their fingers as he seemed to think about what to say next. Then: “You’re right. We _have_ missed out on a lot – both of us. But on the upside...” Finally he looked at Fili again, and this time his eyes were shining with excitement. “We still have _centuries_ to make up for all the time we've lost!”

Fili blinked. _Centuries...?_

Apparently there were _still_ a few major things he didn't know about. But then he shook his head and relaxed. Whatever. At least he could say he was looking forward to filling in the gaps.

And _speaking_ of filling in gaps…

Fili smirked and rolled over onto his back, pulling Kili on top of him.

"Well, no time like the present to make up for lost time, am I right?"

 

* * *

 

_Several months later...._

 

There had been rumors of a lion prowling a certain beach in Florida for quite some time, though no one had ever been able to obtain any proof of it. This lion was only ever seen on the night of the full moon, and he never approached people when he saw them, instead running away as fast as he could, leaving giant paw prints in the sand as the only proof he had ever been there.

And then one month, that all changed.

“Is that a _lion?”_ Tauriel gasped, pointing at a large mass lounging at the end of the pier.

“And a Labrador Retriever!” Legolas agreed. “Look, Tauriel, they’re cuddling.”

“Oh, isn’t that just precious.”

“You don’t think we ought to tell someone?”

“Why should we?” Tauriel glanced over at her friend. “They seem perfectly docile. I don’t think they’d hurt a fly.”

Legolas wasn’t so sure about that – lions were, after all, pretty serious business – but in the end he decided to just go along with it.

That did not mean, of course, that he kept the discovery to himself.

Soon the word spread that the beach was now home to a lion _and_ a rather personable chocolate lab – if you happened to know where to look for them. They no longer ran from humans, and were happy to accept head pats (and Cotton Candy Frappucinos, oddly enough).

And so the strange tale of how Fili met his long-lost brother comes to a close. Rest assured that they both lived happily ever after – both on shore, and in the sea.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, then I'm guessing you must have read until the end -- for which I thank you! Hope you enjoyed, I'd love to hear what you thought, either good or bad!
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://khafushun.tumblr.com/)


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